Problems, solutions and aftermaths…

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One Saturday, Henry was looking for a component for one of his inventions.

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Suddenly, something unexpected happened.

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Henry was very good, and didn’t swear. Much.

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Instead, he tried to think what the Dalai Lama would do in the same position.

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He realised he had all the knowledge he needed to get himself out.

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Sure enough, he stood victorious, contemplating what his clever giant screwy drill had done.

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Henry found somewhere less hazardous to keep his bits and pieces.

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When Winston opened Henry’s bedroom door that night to check on him, he found him safely in bed. But he worried that the incident had made a lasting impact on little Henry, who slept with his drill for the next month and a half…just in case.

Sometimes in life…

Sometimes in life, you’ll encounter things you don’t want to face. This may be at work, in your relationship, with a member of your family or a neighbour. It may be a situation, a question, the result of someone else’s mistake, or simply that it’s a Monday morning in February 2013 and you’ve just realised that you hate your life. Just for instance.

Winston has been thinking up some solutions so – if you’ve had a crap work week, a crap week at home, or just a crap week in general, this blog is for you.

Option 1: Tune it all out

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Assume a horizontal position wherever you are and pretend to be doing advanced Yoga. Really, you’re either taking a nap and waiting for the stress to decrease, or hoping that anyone flying at you with unreasonable demands will have buggered off by the time you ‘awake’.

While you’re in the position, go to your happy place, mentally order a beer and kick back. The time you invest in mentally chilling out will reap dividends in finding solutions to your perceived problems. A stressed mind does no one any favours.

Option 2: Get shit-faced (British terminology meaning ‘drunk’)

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Pretend to be drunk. Or be drunk. The first forces people to respond to you as they would a toddler, or Labrador. The second will probably lead to someone suggesting you sober up first before you can handle whatever it is they’ve asked of you. This buys you time, and enables you to sing/shout unselfconsciously about your woes in public places if you so choose, thereby releasing stress.

Option 3: Do whatever Winston Churchill would have done

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Did he panic when Nazis bombed Britain? No.

Did he look at Hitler and cry because he was scared by the tache-wearing bastard? No.

Did he run away at the height of World War II going ‘Oh my God I’m freaking out! This shit beyond me!’? No.

So, remember Winston Churchill’s advice, when life takes an unexpected turn: KBO – Keep Buggering On.

Option 4: You’re only you if you say you’re you

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Pretend that you aren’t you. People will either disbelieve you but assume you’re having a mental episode, thereby giving you space to deal with whatever shit has hit. Or, they’ll believe you, thereby giving you space to deal with whatever shit has hit.

Option 5: Get angry, 1970s style

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Even though it isn’t politically correct to be angry anymore, (or to smoke or to scratch your groin in public), anger can be your friend. In the 1970s, you couldn’t have a decent cop movie without someone getting REALLY angry. And more often than not, it really paid off.

Anger is like hair colour – you have to get it right for it to work.

If you go the anger route, throw a real tantrum, and ham it up as much as possible. Don’t tell people you’re angry; show people you’re angry. You only live once.

Er, Winston, you need to be angrier…can you do that? I want to see tiger paws…

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Er. Yeah. I keep forgetting you don’t have claws…okay forget it. Anyway, angrier is good. You’ll scare people away, giving yourself time to think. You may even get a reputation for it, in which case, you’ll be pretty much left alone for the rest of your natural life. Result.

Option 6: Don Corleone knew what he was doing

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Impersonate a gangster. It puts off idiots with annoying questions, and will instantly show who’s in charge of the situation. More importantly, it forces people to stop and think which film or character you are referencing. By the time they’ve got it, you’re out of there.

And yes, ordering hits on people is illegal in each of the Earth’s 196 nations (yes, I included Monaco. I know it’s a few hotels and a Grand Prix track with a nice beach, but they get tetchy if they’re not called a nation).

Option 7: Your arse is a natural resource

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The ‘talk to my arse’ approach is, always, the last resort. It should never be used against frail or elderly relatives, or impressionable youngsters. Once deployed, is a very difficult position to back down from. However, if everything else fails, you may feel it’s entirely justified. Acceptable situations for deployment may include:

Daily Life

Traffic warden: “..tough shit. I’m giving you this ticket anyway.”

You: “talk to my (big/black/white/fat/tight) arse.”

Politics

Member of Parliament: “How do you respond to the question that you used parliamentary expenses to buy yourself six Ferraris and a prostitute?”

You: “talk to my (I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-you-or-the-nation-thinks-and-it-was-more-than-one-prostitute) arse.”

Musicals

Captain von Trapp: “The children tell me you’ve taught them a new phrase. What was it?”

You: “talk to my (you-don’t-pay-me-enough-for-this-shit) arse.”

Left-field

Enquirer: “In the absence of your head, what should we talk to?”

You: “Just talk to my arse.”*

You get the gist. If you decide to go this route, deploy the gesture with as much theatrical panache as possible.

HAVE A BETTER WEEK.

*Please note – the opinions expressed here are not advice.

Henry’s guide to dealing with un-dead mummies

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Any secret archaeological mission is not without risk. The trick is to manage risk with a few, simple steps.

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Tip 1: When excavating an undead mummy’s tomb, don’t bang loudly, and don’t whatever you do stand where the mummy can see you.

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Instead, choose a position out of the line of sight. You want to be about 180 degrees to the back of the mummy’s head.

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Tip 2: Don’t be the victim. If you think like mummy-kill, and act like mummy-kill, you will become mummy-kill.

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Instead, remember the first rule of conflict: be the nutter. Become the only mentalist in the tomb. Own the madness. Out-mummy the mummy. Hoo-yah.

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Tip 3: When it comes to dialogue, don’t focus on the differences.

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Instead, try putting a bucket over your head to see what getting no natural light on your skin feels like.

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Tip 4: When dealing with the undead, remember that The Exorcist stylee shows no-one in their best light. It’s also a really hard stance to back down from.

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Instead, extend a paw, shake a hand, and engage the undead mummy in conversation that it may find interesting…perhaps highlighting some of the technological advances there have been since ancient Egypt.

Next week: dealing with politicians who behave like undead mummies.

Where do you go for cuddles when you don’t have a cuddler?

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Need a cuddle? No-one around to give a cuddle? Then you need Henry’s new invention…the Cuddlator.

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With three settings to choose from – ‘Mild Cuddle’, ‘Determined Cuddle’ and ‘Aggressive Cuddle’, you’re bound to feel better in no time.

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Simply slip into the Cuddlator, taking care to poke your tail through the cuddle hole provided.

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Sometimes the Cuddlator may get stuck on a particular setting. If this happens, try and enjoy the experience. It is, after all, still a cuddle.

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When the Cuddlator finishes its programme, off you go and make a cup of tea, feeling cuddled and generally better…

New year, new danger…

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It was a cold winter’s day, and Henry was fucked off with his biscuit bulge.

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Then an idea came to him. He hadn’t made anything in a long time. He would go back to his hobby…

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Henry laboured long and hard, finding bits and pieces to fashion into a form.

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His creation seemed somehow familiar to Henry, but where had he seen something similar before?

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He  pondered the thought as he made another ‘creation’, and slung his hammock between them…

The way of the tiger

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The follower of the way starts with contemplation.
 
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And stillness as enemy approaches.
 
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In attack, tiger must be fast, like lightening.
 
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And not big sissy.
 
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Tiger must pounce, with all his might…
 
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use paws to swipe, and stay calm if enemy escapes.
 
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Tiger must ignore enemy giving him the finger.
 
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Sang froid must be cultivated when it looks like all is lost.
 
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Finally, tiger must learn to use right tools to get right result.